It’s not easy for me to pin point moments of honesty associated with my addiction as the majority of my addiction was surrounded by dishonesty. I finished my first draft when I realised there is really nothing in here at all about honesty but quiet the contrary… How do I find honesty amongst addiction?
After some reflection I found that the connection between addiction and honesty for me is essentially a positive one. The first step in my recovery required me to be honest with myself, I had to admit out load that I have a problem and it needs to be addressed. This honesty only came at my rock bottom, in fear of going off topic I will quickly explain why I say my rock bottom. I believe we all have our own rock bottom and it comes as a consequence of key events in our lives, It may be through a near death experience, the loss of someone or something close to you, a dark place you never want to return to or like me a point when you finally realised that you are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I still had a job, car, girlfriend and money but the other three were about to go out. It’s in that moment as I sat smothered by anxiety, remorse, hate and self-pity that I mustered enough courage to be honest with myself and admit that I have a problem and I need help.
This next account of honesty is one of the hardest things for me to write, even as I try to articulate it I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. In all of my relationships prior to sobriety I have been guilty of lying, cheating and dishonesty. These traits along with many others created a constant barrier that kept me from ever giving myself completely to someone, however once I surrendered myself to honesty it rewarded me with some of life’s greatest gifts. None more so than the opportunity to have given myself honestly and completely to another, not masked by a false version of myself but me in my truest form. If I go through life and never experience that again, I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to have experienced it once.
Sobriety requires honesty.